'Smart People,' Stupid Movie

Just saw Noam Murro's Smart People starring Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, Thomas Haden Church and Ellen Page. My friends, don't let anyone fool you. This is no Juno II, no matter how many snappy comebacks Page dishes out. Nope. Instead, this pretentious stinker is like purgatory, only a lot less fun.

(Photo from Boston.com)

Essentially, Lawrence Wetherhold, a widowed , curmudgeonly professor played by Quaid, falls and suffers a seizure (too bad it wasn't fatal). While convalescing in the ER he meets Janet Hartigan, played by Parker, who has apparently had a crush on the joyless bastard since she took one of his joyless classes years prior. Throughout the movie, the two have joyless, awkward conversations set to corny upbeat music, which desperately attempts to mask their complete lack of chemistry. But, contrary to logic, the characters in this movie find painful, joyless dialogue intoxicating.

Woven into this clunky plot is the story of Lawrence's uptight daughter Vanessa, played by Page, and the professor's unreliable, freeloading adopted brother Chuck, played by Church. Lawrence's seizure prevents him from driving for six months, so Chuck decides to stay with the family and cart Lawrence around while he's off having his dreary romance. While Church offers a redeeming and genuinely funny performance, the subplot his character shares with Vanessa is fairly creepy as she reveals her crush on Chuck, her 50-something uncle.

Overall, Page's character is two-dimensional and boring, despite everyone's delusion that this is somehow Juno. In fact, her character is the embodiment of the bad screen writing that plagues the entire film, which is constantly telling you what motivates the characters rather than showing you with...well...acting.

Just when you think the movie can't get worse, all of sudden -- whoops! -- Janet gets pregnant but doesn't reveal her little secret until the very end in the midst of a joyless, awkward conversation. But, as Ken Hanke of the Mountain Xpress succinctly puts it, "Near as I can tell, the conclusion the film finally reaches is that it's OK to be smart, but not too smart, and that an unplanned pregnancy will fix everything. I remain skeptical on both counts."

The film does, however, provide a tour de force during the credits, depicting a cute montage of baby pictures to let you know that everything turns out just great!

But, to be honest, I would have felt like I got my money's worth if the photos depicted the family burning alive in the professor's battered car.