Josh Sneed is Frickin' Hilarious

Lately, I've been watching Comedy Central's stand-up clips on demand. Today, I stumbled on a seven-minute segment from Josh Sneed who is easily one of the funniest comics I have ever seen. His timing, facial expressions and onslaught of side-splitting anecdotes make for a hilarious routine. In short, he brings the funny.

Here's a clip from the segment I watched:

Jokes.com
Josh Sneed - Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Oven
comedians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

If you like Sneed's stuff as much as I do, you should vote for him here. Comedy Central is hosting a Stand-Up Showdown and will honor the comic who receives the most votes.

What are your favorite comedians?

My Goals for 2010

With the dawn of a brand new year, I've been pondering all the stuff I'd like to accomplish in 2010. I've got a bunch of ideas, but of course the hard part is seeing each goal to fruition. So, I have created the following list, which will give me something to consult throughout the year and help me measure my success.

To Do List for 2010:

• Run a 10K
• Go on a road trip (avoid Nebraska)
  
• Write novel or collection of short stories
  
• Learn to rap like Jay-Z
  
• Watch marathon of my favorite childhood movies (i.e., Goonies, Breakfast Club, Star Wars, The Beastmaster, etc.)
  
• Try stand-up comedy
  
• Date Alicia Keys [My wife is OK with this because she doubts my chances... what does she know??]
  
• Watch less (reality) TV
• Remember people's names
• Go on a deep sea fishing trip; catch a marlin with a bad temper
  
• Invent a time machine
• Use time machine to go back to the moment the Sox won the 1918 World Series
  
• Get that stupid Miley Cyrus song out of my head
  
• Start of fire without using matches
• Eat more bacon
• Get ripped abs
  
• Drink better booze
• Become independently wealthy
  
• Sky dive
  
• Learn how to play guitar like U2's The Edge
• Get nickname like "The Edge"
• Set my hideously embarrassing car on fire and push it out to sea. [Driving my car is seriously like wearing tall, black socks and sandals in public]
• Avoid social disasters, especially in elevators and at cocktail parties
• Post updates to this blog more often

So, that's my list. What's yours? With any luck we'll accomplish all of our goals this year.

Photo Credit: H.Koppdelaney

Dogs Most Likely to Cause Allergic Reactions

Recently, I called my brother to chat. We shot the bull about what was new and what we were planning to get our folks for Christmas. During our conversation, I let him know that my wife and I were considering getting a dog and I joked that he probably wouldn't be to happy -- the poor kid is terribly allergic to dogs and cats. He then asked me what breed I had in mind. I told him we were thinking about stopping by the shelter to pick of a Wheaton Lung Plugger.

He howled with laughter and after we hung up, what ensued was a flurry of text messages, each of us trying to outdo the other with a breed more likely to cause an allergic reaction. This is our list:

• Scottish Wheezer
• Lhasa Achu
  
• Stuffed Nosed Collie
• Sneazing Walker Coon Hound
• Schnneagle
• Cocker Choo
• Miniature Sinus Pincher
• Long Haired Albuterol

...and my favorite...

• Red Faced Lung Terrier

Ok. I realize that this may seem corny and a bit childish. The truth is I simply don't care. At the time it struck me so funny that people at the office thought I was losing my mind as I tried to contain body-shaking giggles.

Have any good suggestions for our list?

Photo Credit: E3000

Anyone for an AdultBjörn?

Who else thinks BabyBjörn missed out on an amazing marketing opportunity when they decided not to make an AdultBjörn?

Seriously. Life would be so much easier if I had someone to carry me around all day in a little shoulder hammock. I could even sleep while in transit.

Want to go to the mall, work, the in-laws, a concert, the DMV??

Sure! I'll get my Björn!

So, what makes babies so special that they get to have all the comforts of life? Why can't we adults have the same transport options?

The time for an AdultBjörn is now! Of course, it would probably be hard to convince other folks to carry us, but we'll get there when we get there.

In the meantime, I'll be designing my own personal Björn. Soon BabyBjörn will be sorry they never expanded beyond the baby market.


Photo Credit: Sean Dreilinger

What's your name again?

Every now and then I'll meet someone, exchange pleasantries and then promptly forget my new acquaintance's name. In some cases, I'm so busy fretting about how to make a great first impression, I never commit their name to memory in the first place, ironically condemning myself to a slew of future awkward encounters.

People tend to be forgiving about name reminders if it's your second meeting. But, at some point, the thought of asking becomes so embarrassing that you'd rather go on for the rest of your life saying "Hey there! How are you doing?" than actually broach the subject.

So, what is the point of no return? Is it after one meeting, two, three?

I tend to think you're in trouble if you haven't figured it out by the third encounter. In which case, I highly recommend adopting a nickname for your new friend to hide the fact that you're an idiot.

Here are just a few endearing nicknames you might use:

• Chief
• Captain
• Love
  
• Buddy
• Bro
• Shorty
• Man
• Sport
• You
• Pal
• Jam Master J
  

Of course, if the person in question has a distinguishing feature, you might model a save-your-ass nickname after this trait. For example, you might call someone with red hair, "Ol' Red" or if they're retaining water, you might call them "Cankles."

What works for you?

Photo Credit: ~BostonBill~

embarrassment hangover [n.]

embarrassment [N.] \im-ˈber-ə-smənt, -ˈba-rəs-\
something that embarrasses

hangover [N.] \ˈhaŋ-ˌō-vər\
something that remains from what is past

Has this ever happened to you? You're driving along -- perhaps you're on a long road trip -- and your mind starts to wander. You think of that nice vacation you had in Maine or maybe the punchline of a joke comes to mind. You grin to yourself as you hop and skip from fleeting thought to fleeting thought. You might even start humming some jingle you heard on the radio as the road's yellow lines race past your car.

Then, without warning, you remember an event from your past so horrifyingly embarrassing and vivid, it forces an audible "arrghh" from your lungs and startles any passengers who may be along for the ride.

What you've just experienced is something I like to call an embarrassment hangover:

embarrassment hangover [N.] \im-ˈber-ə-smənt, -ˈba-rəs-\ \ˈhaŋ-ˌō-vər\
the experience of suddenly remembering and reliving an embarrassing moment from the past

Embarrassment hangovers can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli ranging from a friend's story to a song on the radio. But no matter what the catalyst, the experience is bound to be unpleasant as you relive a social disaster from your past.

It might be the time you peed your pants in gym class. It could be that moment you accidentally copied the entire company on an intimate email. It could even be the time you danced like a complete ass at a friend's wedding.

No matter what, the memory hits you and it hits you hard. In some cases, the memory is so powerful that you actually forget what you're doing at the present moment. After a few minutes of intense shame, you suddenly realize people are talking to you:

"Hey are you ok? Is something on your mind," they ask.

You make up a story: "Oh. I was just thinking about all the stuff I have to do on Monday."

But your next embarrassment hangover is lurking there somewhere in the recesses of your mind, just waiting to pounce and make you feel like an idiot at the most inconvenient time.

Ever had an embarrassment hangover? What was the source of your humiliation?

Photo Credit: Striatic

Dazed and Confused at IKEA

Have you ever noticed that IKEA has the same layout and design as a casino? No doors, windows or clocks, bright lights everywhere and a steady supply of crisp, cool air to keep your head up and your wallet out.

Not to mention the entire place is a maze of epic proportions. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if the skeletons of a few unsuspecting shoppers were found in the corner of a room display with a Poang or a Klubbo clutched by their brittle little fingertips.

Every time I go with my wife, I'm determined to resist the beast and not buy a single lampshade or desktop organizer. Not one damn Swedish meatball. Not one!

But then I usually stumble out four hours later feeling totally dazed and confused. And, of course, I have a cutting board under one arm and a Karlskrona under the other.

And I hate myself for it.

Photo Credit: davecobb